we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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