i jhust puked up my retainher.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
