Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
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