People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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