why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
