Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Randomize
