Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
