I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
