Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I wish you could order shots online.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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