i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
