yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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