someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize