her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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