fuck your aforementioned shoe
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
