omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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