Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
