we're chasing vodka with high fives
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
