captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
soo... how was my night?
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize