My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
