omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
