I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
