There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I need a burrito and a hug.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
i think im in europe. pls send help
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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