my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
