i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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