i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Someone came in the potted fern
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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