Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize