Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Randomize
