I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
