i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
