My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
