brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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