I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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