how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize