The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Randomize
