i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
me + whiskey = a bad person
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Randomize
