If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
