ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
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