so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
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