So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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