Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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