Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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