Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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