After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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