if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
