Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize