I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Randomize
