Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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