guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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