So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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