I bet he comes in French.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
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