You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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