you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
