My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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