Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
what is it with giant penises always finding me
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
You may now shotgun with the bride
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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