i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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