The maid of honor just puked.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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