What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
