Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
