If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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