yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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