I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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