the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
