she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Randomize
