you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
