you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
