Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Randomize
