Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
