did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Randomize
