what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
