Will you blow on my dice?
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
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